Destined to be 'left of the shelf'...?

Dear Hayley & Natalie,

I’m 31 yrs old and recently split up with my partner of 4 yrs. 90% of the time, we got on really well, enjoyed each other’s company, had a similar sense of humour and enjoyed similar things in life. The remaining 10% of the time we clashed over our different outlooks on the future.

We both have successful careers in London, but the future that I saw for us was eventually one of marriage and children. I was happy to wait a few more years for children but not too long as I don’t want to be an older mum. My partner seemed to have a real aversion towards even getting married let alone having children. He eventually seemed to come round to the idea of marriage and even potentially children but made it fairly clear that any children would be my responsibility. I’m from a family where both my mum and dad were equally hands on and this is what I really expect out of parenting. His parents split up when he was young and his mother’s subsequent relationship also didn’t work out so I don’t know whether his reluctance to get married and have children and his views on bringing up children were due to this.

It became such a bone of contention between us that eventually after numerous break ups and getting back togethers, we finally called it a day and split up 6 months ago. But now I find myself in a situation where I’m more miserable than ever. Most of my friends are either married, getting married, have children or are pregnant, which has become a constant reminder of what I so desperately want but don’t even nearly have.

I make a real effort to get out there and meet new people and I’ve even tried internet dating to absolutely no avail. I’ve done that many ‘extra curricular’ past times I don't know whether I'm coming or going! On the one hand I’ve developed new skills, which is great, but on the other hand I now feel even more frustrated and disappointed that none of my efforts to meet a guy who I like as much as my ex are paying off, as I still find myself completely and utterly single! I’m told I’m attractive, I’m fit and healthy, have a good career, own my own flat and car and have lots of lovely friends but for some reason I’ve not even come close to meeting the right guy. I’m terrified if I don’t meet the right person within the next year, that getting married and being a young-ish mum just isn’t going to happen for me, which is a thought that brings me to tears. I really need some advice...

Abigail

Dear Abigail

Your situation is something we hear regularly in our line of work so you’re not alone. London in particular can be a very lonely place, which seems strange, as presumably, the larger the town or city surely the more ‘fish’ there are in the sea? But it can be like entering the twilight zone living in London, people tend to have an established social set and mixing between social sets doesn’t happen as often as you might think, which means meeting new people can be a real challenge.

We feel you have absolutely made the right decision by making the break from your partner, it’s a brave decision and not everyone is brave enough to do the right thing, so good on you. You may even start to have doubts as to whether you should have split up because just 10% of your relationship wasn’t in tune, but it’s important to remember, that 10% was an extremely important 10%. It’s absolutely true to say, you will never meet someone who is 100% right, because nobody is perfect. We believe if you find someone who is 75% right, then you’re on to a winner! But within that 75% needs to be a shared view on broadly where your joint future lies, otherwise you risk a future of you both pulling in opposite directions. We don’t usually use quotes but Sam Keen’s quote fits rather well here: “We come to love, not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly”.

You are absolutely on the right path, getting yourself out there, trying new things and meeting new people, so please keep doing this, but ensure you’re doing all this with the right mindset. Remember not to flit from one hobby to another dipping in and out and making a quick assessment that there isn’t anyone there for you and so move on to the next hobby. The most successful relationships aren’t often the ones based on love at first sight, give men a chance, get to know them and try not to compare every man to your ex - you won’t find a carbon copy of him in another man, who also includes all the bits about shared views of the future! Be open to meeting someone who is completely and utterly different to your ex, we don’t mean lower your standards, just start noticing men that you may not have noticed before.

It will almost certainly seem like a long time since you split from your partner, but really, at least the first 2 or 3 months you were probably still largely getting over your relationship. Give yourself time, enjoy being single and why not be a little bit selfish, indulge yourself and do the things you may not have had the chance to do until now. Remember not to put yourself under time pressure as when we do this it’s easy to make incorrect decisions or not notice someone who could be a great match for you.

Good luck and please keep us posted Abigail…




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